And Then The Phone Rang

On this day 2001 my life changed forever. I was laying in bed with my boyfriend at the time who was telling me the story of his father's murder in the Dominican Republic. The phone rang, it was my mother. The first 5 days of 2001 had been amongst the happiest days of my life I had fallen in love with my friend (which I don't believe was a mistake). I had decided I wanted to become an actor. My father was a great actor who always believed in my talent, not because I was his little girl but because he felt I had actual talent. I used to put on shows for my dad in our living room, always something from an Eddie Murphy film. I love Eddie Murphy still. The phone rang, it was my mother. I can't say that my father was the world's greatest dad, but he was my father. I can't say he didn't have a drug problem, I can't say he was always faithful to my mother, or my sister's mother, or my brother's mother, I can't even say he was a provider, but he was my father! At least he was there for one of us. In 2000 we were just really becoming a family. By becoming a family I mean that I was in Newark, New Jersey with my sister, my brother, my nephew, my father, and my best friend Mikki. My father had to withdraw money from the ATM, he had given us all money, even my best friend saying and I quote "I don't know you, but you get some too". Then the phone rang, it was my mother. My mother and father were together some 25 years. It would have been nice to have my siblings there with me. We all look like we came from my mother any way. LOL! My father went back to Newark to take care of what was left of his side of the family. My paternal side all past within an 11 year time frame. My aunt Jerry, aunt Larry-Ann, my Grandma, Great-Grandma, GrandFather, aunt Sheila, every fucking body died! Then the phone rang. I can't begin to go anymore indepth into this than what I already have, otherwise I won't be able to stop crying. When I spoke to my father on Christmas Eve 2000, he was in great spirits. I told him that I was happy and safe and with my boyfriend. He told me he loved me and I said "I love you to daddy". My boyfriend at the time and I lay in bed; he says "my father was murdered" (his father) and then the phone rang. He answered the phone to what sounded like a crank caller speaking in a language he'd never heard, he hung up the phone. The phone rang again, this time a much clearer though insanely stressed voice screamed out "he's gone"! My boyfriend got up out of the bed facing the wall for a minute. I got up on the other side of the bed and stood facing him. He turned around with tears in his eyes. I knew immediately that someone had died. I said "is it my mother?", he said no. I said "is it my uncle GG"? He said, no. It was the way he said no the second time that shot arrows through my heart. The no was as if he knew he was about to die and didn't want to go. He then said "It's your father". I froze. He dropped the phone and came to hold me. I told him to get away from me. I fell to the floor in that house crying against a wall for about 3 minutes (literally). I then realized I had to pull myself together for my mother's sake. I ran out the door. I did 120 mph getting to my mother. I was 30 minutes away, I was there in less than 15. The love my parents had for each other is that of what you see in fairytales, in movies. I don't know how or why people say love like that is impossible or unreal. It is very real. I have witnessed it. I pulled myself to my feet and got to my mother. If my mother were not a Christian she'd have killed herself just to be with him again. I had to get to my mother. When I arrived at the house I walked in to my mother standing on the landing of the staircase with a joint in one hand and the other on her heart. My doesn't do drugs but she was completely inconsolable. She had to smoke something. Wouldn't you? We have a sister we have never met. Her mother wouldn't even bring her to the funeral. She was about 3 years old when our father died. I wonder if she even knows we exist? I wonder if she knows we are looking for her? I wonder if she knows we all look alike. I don't even know her mothers' last name. I can't keep writing. Just wanted to share with you all. I must go now otherwise I'll cry all day. Thank you for your time.

Tempera Mental

Baby Steps

Now is a time to heal, forgive, forget and let go. There are things that I have held on to for far to long. Like you, I am human. I have feelings and emotional instabilities, skeletons, etc. It's apart of who we are. We all have secrets and that's okay. It's okay to keep apart of you just that; a part of you. I believe that is the problem that many famous people can't cope with; everybody knows everything about them. That can be a head ache for any one. It's equal to giving someone space in a marriage. It's something we all need. Take time just as I have, to seek peace, heal your wounds, forgive those who have wronged you no matter how difficult it may be. Move on. Forget about your past and move towards accepting your beautiful and bright future. Let go, let go, LET IT GO! I had to write that just now, perhaps some one needs it as I no longer do. I have forgiven myself for not understanding that self preservation is the law of life at a time when I needed to know it the most. I have now let it go. Had I not been able to let it go and forgive myself I wouldn't be where I am today, nor as happy. I realize things are easier said than done, hell there are in fact things I'm still having trouble coping with, I say again that's okay. Baby steps are okay! Babies eventually take off running. So take all the time you need just make sure that that time leads to stability, sanity, faith, belief, preservation, confidence, strength, courage, and wisdom. To err is human, to forgive is devine. Let go and let God!

Tempera Mental

NOT JUST ANOTHER NEW YEAR!

Today I have accepted the fact that God has offered me a new beginning. New beginnings are not something that come often. Just so we are clear I said God has offered me a new beginning, not a new year. A new year is just that. A new beginning is a new life! Today I am happier than I have ever been, simply because of my faith in God. I have been blessed with the opportunity to start with a new job, a new school (and major), a new city, a man who loves me, a new apartment, even a new gym membership! I didn't realize it until yesterday. I realized I am not afraid of change any more. I realized I deserve this! And so do many of you. It's okay to go away from what you are accustomed to or what you think is "cool". One thing I noticed when I went away on military duty was that when I returned, the same people were there doing the same things. There is nothing cool about that. The party will always be there, the haters will always be there, the same headaches will always be there unless you accept the opportunities that God is trying to give you. Accept the new beginning that God is offering you and stop worrying about the people you arent going to see, the money you may not make, the partying you may not be able to do because in the long run..all you have is you! No one is going to love you better than you, take care of you better than you, do more for you than you can do for yourself. It's always surprising to me the things that many of us just cant let go of. The only thing I won't change is my friends. Those who actually have been a friend to me, not the haters who are only my friend when necessary. But those who's shoulder I can and have cried on, those who have presented themselves as worthy of the title of friend. A friend doesn't hate on you, turn on you, get jealous of you, try and have power over you or laugh at you. A friend supports you. A friend doesn't get angry or envious when someone else wants your attention (i.e. a potential significant other). A friend doesn't hesitate when you need help. A friend uplifts you, supports you and let's you know when you are wrong. I am greatful to have a few, and I mean few of those. So, I'll say again for me this is a new beginning, not just a new year. And if you are considering this simply a New Year then you may want to reevaluate where you want to be in life and what is important to you. Make a plan for your future, like I did because we aren't going to be young forever. Have a new beginning not just a another new year.

Tempera Mental