TODAY, MY JOURNEY BACK TO FREEDOM

When will I stopped being an angry black woman? When will I stopped being so bitter? When will I learn to view things in a different light. I woke up this morning thinking of the people I admire the most, the people who make me feel ways I have never felt before. It starts with my love, James. James makes me feel I can and will do better, makes me feel that I am a pillar of strength even though I may be slightly mushy inside; he shows me that I am not crazy that I am what I have always been, a survivor. My friend Gene. Gene is thee most fabulous human being I know, and when I am around him I am my most confident, my most optimistic, my most strong. Tiffany. Tiffany became my muse, unbeknownst to me at the time I had blogged about how angry she makes me when she is right, and I swear that bitch is always right...thus making her one of my more trusted advisors. Muzik. I envy Muzik. To me she is the most beautiful woman I have ever known, inside and out. She in my opinion is a pillar of strength, she has a big heart and a wonderful personality which just draws you in, a talented woman with energy which lights up any room, optimistic, educated, friendly and open minded. I envy Muzik because she is who I used to be.

Some years ago while living in New York I became an exotic dancer at a club in Queens called Scandals (at that time). I was heavily into drugs. I was completely lost as I now understand. I was on top of the world. I was in school for acting, I was modeling, I had friends and many doors were opening. I was already a bartender at this time, I just wasn't bartending. I was too consumed by fast life and fast money, thinking I knew it all, thinking I was already a superstar because I had found things that I'd never had...friends, people who I felt loved me, attention, true artistry(i.e. work as an actor and a model). A man had been coming to see me at Scandals for some time, always spending large amounts of money on me to the point where I became a "big shot" in Scandals, I was equated with "a money night" for everyone when I came to work. Naturally as most strippers do, I became acquainted with my biggest tipper. He had been asking me out for quite some time. Deep down inside something always said he was trouble, it was more of a eerie feeling whenever I would see him; I was so free-spirited and full of life back then that I didn't judge people by the way they look or how I felt around them, I gave all a chance. Eventually I gave in to what would be the biggest mistake of my life. I'd like to take this moment to thank God for my praying Mother and Grandmother, their prayers may have very well saved my life. Lord knows I wasn't praying at all, I leaned way into my own understanding. Having said that, this was the biggest mistake of my life.

His name was Joe, I never got a last name. He gave me what I thought to be exctasy once we left the club one night. Next thing I knew I was in a hotel in New Jersey, in a jacuzzi tub of hot water. He asked me questions "Are there people who care about you", "if something happened to you, would someone be hurt?" Because these questions seemed rhetorical to me, I knew immediately that I was in danger. After every question he would cup his hands a lift water over his head in the form of a ritual or so it seemed. A chill fell down my spine. It is remarkably sobering when you know you are about to die. I backed out of the tub slowly but surely, I never took my eyes off of him. I was naked. The room wasn't too big, I made it to the door. I asked him to throw me my clothes. He threw them just far enough to the side that I would have to take my eyes off of him to get them, that I would be just far enough that Id have to reach for the door if he charged at me. This is when I began to pray, at that moment I remembered my grandmother forcing me to memorize the 23rd Psalm as a child. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death. The fear was still there, but I knew God was with me. I reached for my clothes as fast as I could and was out that door in the blink of an eye. I ran as fast as I could to the nearest exit which was a stairwell at the end of the hall. I saw a house keeper, I kept running. The same woman appeared a floor below (don't ask me how) with a frightening grin on her face. I ended up exiting the hotel around the back of the building, I ran to the front noticing there was nothing around but trees and dumpsters; the hotel was in a culdesac. There was a main road at the top of the hill, I could see cars passing. When I got into the lobby, I asked the front desk clerk for a number for a taxi to which she replied "taxi's don't come around here". I began to feel more fear, they were in collusion. She wouldn't even tell me where I was. I ran to the top of the hill. A few moments later, Joe came to the top of the hill in his car, my things were in the back seat (shoe, purse, keys, etc.) I remembered that one of my shoes had a really sharp heel on it. I opened the car door, got the shoe before entering and held it to his throat from the back seat, I told him "take me home now, if you go any where other than the direction of manhattan you die first". It was all I could do. I haven't been the same since.

I shared that story with you because we all make mistakes, we are all human beings, don't let anything consume you to the point where it becomes anger, hatred, or bitterness towards people or the world. You must forgive, you must start all over again, you let go and let God, you must say thank you for what you DO have, what you never lost, and what you will gain from the experience. That man tried to kill me, essentially he did. He was able to get to me because there was two things I didn't have...God, and a significant other. I was running wild in NYC and it was obvious. I have forgiven him. Today, I have friends again. Today, I have a signigicant other. Today, I can admit my faults. Today I pray without ceasing, today I know that this is my journey back to who I used to be, a work in progress...my journey back to freedom.

You Are No Saint

Ya know, I really dont get why reality is so hard for some people to grasp. I hate when people bitch about others behavior when they are no fucking saint. I just read on Facebook about a guy who has a problem with the fact that he saw a woman sitting with her legs open with shorts on. Appartently this is a problem. How exactly? He feels that this is the problem in the world, that this is why little girls do what they do. Fuck that! The problem is judgemental individuals who feel there point of view is correct. You mean to tell me that you are going to lose sleep over a woman sitting as she pleases. Who gives a fuck what you think? She's probably comfortable, she's probably married and had sex with her husband all night and it was so hard and good that it hurts, for the moment, to close her legs...LOL! Imagine that. He says children mimic there parents behavior, oh really?! So what's up with the preacher's kids? They don't seem to follow in there parents footsteps now do they? I know someone who was raised by two gay men, he isn't gay. My mother is a professional singer, I can sing, I just don't. My point is don't be so quick to judge. Judge a man by the content of his character, don't just assume you've got it all figured out, because you don't and if you did, bloggers such as myself wouldn't have to waste time trying to prove a point.

Even Though We'd Like To Bitch About it

"Be still and know that I am God", "Be kind to your enemy, in doing so you will reap coals of fire upon their head", "What would Jesus do?"...These are all quotations that come to mind when I want to bitch about certain changes that occur in my life. Change isn't always a bad thing; change isn't always difficult. What is difficult, is the acceptance of change when you've become so used to a certain way of life. So, on my journey back to freedom, I choose to look at change as the greatness that is becoming my future. "Walk by faith not by sight" is something we must all do when change is forced upon us. I suppose I am "bitching" by writing this blog, but this is a more acceptable form. It's how you do what you do. One must always be optimistic, one must always try and see the bright side of things. When you lose one thing and gain something else is that a bad thing because it isn't what you wanted, but what God gave you? How about if you regain what you lost and get to keep the something new that you gained, would you still say change is a bad thing? Of course not. I wouldn't. Then again there are some of you out there who are insanely ungreatful and would still bitch. When God gives you a new lease on life, a chance, an opportunity, a way to succeed, a way to keep your sanity, say THANK YOU...even though we'd like to bitch about it.

Mental Temper

My Former Numbness

I began writing this particular blog on January 7th, 2011, it was originally entitled NUMB. For some reason I stopped. I guess I couldn't admit to myself that love wasn't meant for me because I had not known what a true love, a real love was/is. Since then I have met someone whom I consider to be the man of my dreams...that of course is another blog soon to come. I was once Numb, but now I am found...LOL! For your enjoyment

NUMB!

 I have always believed in love.  The power of love is all to consuming.  But why are we all affected differently by this phenomenon?  What are we all looking for? When you find what you are looking for, how are you affected by it?  Though I believe in love, I have become numb to its existence.  Contradictory you say? Not so much.  It exists, just maybe not for everyone.  For example, the love I dream of only exists in fairytales & movies...lol!   Or perhaps I just havent found anyone whose shit I a m willing to endure.  Maybe that is what true love is...dealing with someone inspite of their flaws.  For those of you who are lucky enough to get to be with the person they really want to be with ...God Bless Your Union.  Be good to each other because true love only comes once in a lifetime, it is something most of us will never have.

Temper Mental

You Thee Epiphany

While studying acting in New York, I noticed that many of my instructors stressed the importance of being aware of your presence around others. Knowing the effect you have on others can be a remarkably enlightening experience. You begin to noticed who your true friends are, which family members really believe in you, and those who you should attract to you. By the grace of God my eyes have been opened; people like me really do exist. People who are free spirited, people who don't judge, people who aren't angry or pretentious, people who plain and simply keep shit breezy.

I digress.

My point is once your are aware of your presence around others and you know for a fact who you really are, you become the you you are meant to be. A better you, a more potent you. A happy with self YOU. A shake even the most confident individuals, YOU. A make people afraid to come out of their shell, wish they made better choices, wish they had what you had YOU. At which point these individuals will become what we now know as Haters...LOL. They will pretend to know about what you know about to gain the attention of those around you, dress the way you dress, attempt the life you live, and while this is a huge compliment to you, watching them fail miserably is all too sweet. Stick to what you know. Just be you! A purely magnificent you.

Temper Mental

GIVE IT A REST

Maybe I have too much of a heart. What's with these fucking idiots who bitch about what they eat? "I don't eat pork, a pig has no pores", "I don't drink whole milk", "I don't eat anything that has a life"....You're an idiot and there are things in this world far greater than your fucking taste buds that truly matter. I have read the Quran and The Bible. Neither one of the higher beings are gonna send you to Hell for eating a pork chop! Would you starve yourself to death if pork was all you had to eat? Guess what asshole, you'd definitely go to Hell for suicide. I have been fortunate to travel abroad, I have seen a starving child. There is no way I could deny the abundance of food God has given the SELFISH when so many have absolutely nothing. I'm sorry but if you are one of these people you are selfish and stupid, for lack of better words. God bless those who will die today. If only they had a pork chop, or some fucking milk. :0(

The Temper Mental Artist

Ignorance is Bliss? (Part 1)

How do you help people see what life really has to offer? How do you explain the world they know nothing about? How do you help them understand that there is a way out of their unhappiness. If you try and teach someone ignorant, do your teachings fall on deaf ears? How do you help those who are a product of their environment? I know people from all walks of life and many of them are sad, hopeless, individuals who either don't know who they are or are afraid to be who they are! I say this because I have never been one for "when in Rome". I do as I Damn well please without regard for anyone else's judgement. This sometimes causes people to not want to be around me or even be my friend. I am like this simply because I am happy.

I'm trying to figure out a way to help people be themselves because I am so sick of seeing angry, bitter ass people many of whom are my own people....it would really bring a tear to your eye. That victim shit is overrated. That golddigger shit is overrated. Being a drug dealer or a fucking pimp is overrated.
Thinking that you have to have money to get a woman is just fucking stupid. But when you conform to what society deems as "the norm" you limit yourself completely.

The norm to many of you I'm ashamed to say is what you see in music videos, which in turn tells everyone else that you have no fucking imagination. Did it ever occur to you how hard these people have to work to get to the point of making a real music video? Many of you can't do it, wouldnt do it, and are not smart enough to do it. They'd put you in an outfit you think you don't look good in, you'll bitch about it and then no one will want to work with you and your dumb as will be mad at them.

Many of you need to stop hatin. Don't be mad at somebody who has what you want, be mad at yourself for not getting up off your ass and going to get your own goldmine. I hate seeing these idiots with gold teeth and dreadlocks trying to figure out why now reputable business will hire them. Hey dumbass, appearance is everything. Cut your fucking hair and take that shit out your mouth and you'll look better and have some legitimate money in your pocket; the kind of money that will keep you alive and out of jail. You'll even attract better women, clean women who get their hair done in salons as oppose to flea markets.  I don't even know why I'm writing this; most of the people who need to read this don't even read...if they did there would be no need for my writing this piece.  Cancel that last statement there are smart people out there who choose to be trifling, their unhappy as well. I've seen the beautiful ones step on the toes of others to get ahead, people they called their friends people they claimed to be cool with. Perhaps they just need attention, need to feel someone loves them. How sad, how hilariously sad. Who the hell is gonna love you when deep, deep, deep down inside you don't even love yourself. I could go on an on about this and eventually...I WILL.