TODAY, MY JOURNEY BACK TO FREEDOM

When will I stopped being an angry black woman? When will I stopped being so bitter? When will I learn to view things in a different light. I woke up this morning thinking of the people I admire the most, the people who make me feel ways I have never felt before. It starts with my love, James. James makes me feel I can and will do better, makes me feel that I am a pillar of strength even though I may be slightly mushy inside; he shows me that I am not crazy that I am what I have always been, a survivor. My friend Gene. Gene is thee most fabulous human being I know, and when I am around him I am my most confident, my most optimistic, my most strong. Tiffany. Tiffany became my muse, unbeknownst to me at the time I had blogged about how angry she makes me when she is right, and I swear that bitch is always right...thus making her one of my more trusted advisors. Muzik. I envy Muzik. To me she is the most beautiful woman I have ever known, inside and out. She in my opinion is a pillar of strength, she has a big heart and a wonderful personality which just draws you in, a talented woman with energy which lights up any room, optimistic, educated, friendly and open minded. I envy Muzik because she is who I used to be.

Some years ago while living in New York I became an exotic dancer at a club in Queens called Scandals (at that time). I was heavily into drugs. I was completely lost as I now understand. I was on top of the world. I was in school for acting, I was modeling, I had friends and many doors were opening. I was already a bartender at this time, I just wasn't bartending. I was too consumed by fast life and fast money, thinking I knew it all, thinking I was already a superstar because I had found things that I'd never had...friends, people who I felt loved me, attention, true artistry(i.e. work as an actor and a model). A man had been coming to see me at Scandals for some time, always spending large amounts of money on me to the point where I became a "big shot" in Scandals, I was equated with "a money night" for everyone when I came to work. Naturally as most strippers do, I became acquainted with my biggest tipper. He had been asking me out for quite some time. Deep down inside something always said he was trouble, it was more of a eerie feeling whenever I would see him; I was so free-spirited and full of life back then that I didn't judge people by the way they look or how I felt around them, I gave all a chance. Eventually I gave in to what would be the biggest mistake of my life. I'd like to take this moment to thank God for my praying Mother and Grandmother, their prayers may have very well saved my life. Lord knows I wasn't praying at all, I leaned way into my own understanding. Having said that, this was the biggest mistake of my life.

His name was Joe, I never got a last name. He gave me what I thought to be exctasy once we left the club one night. Next thing I knew I was in a hotel in New Jersey, in a jacuzzi tub of hot water. He asked me questions "Are there people who care about you", "if something happened to you, would someone be hurt?" Because these questions seemed rhetorical to me, I knew immediately that I was in danger. After every question he would cup his hands a lift water over his head in the form of a ritual or so it seemed. A chill fell down my spine. It is remarkably sobering when you know you are about to die. I backed out of the tub slowly but surely, I never took my eyes off of him. I was naked. The room wasn't too big, I made it to the door. I asked him to throw me my clothes. He threw them just far enough to the side that I would have to take my eyes off of him to get them, that I would be just far enough that Id have to reach for the door if he charged at me. This is when I began to pray, at that moment I remembered my grandmother forcing me to memorize the 23rd Psalm as a child. I have walked through the valley of the shadow of death. The fear was still there, but I knew God was with me. I reached for my clothes as fast as I could and was out that door in the blink of an eye. I ran as fast as I could to the nearest exit which was a stairwell at the end of the hall. I saw a house keeper, I kept running. The same woman appeared a floor below (don't ask me how) with a frightening grin on her face. I ended up exiting the hotel around the back of the building, I ran to the front noticing there was nothing around but trees and dumpsters; the hotel was in a culdesac. There was a main road at the top of the hill, I could see cars passing. When I got into the lobby, I asked the front desk clerk for a number for a taxi to which she replied "taxi's don't come around here". I began to feel more fear, they were in collusion. She wouldn't even tell me where I was. I ran to the top of the hill. A few moments later, Joe came to the top of the hill in his car, my things were in the back seat (shoe, purse, keys, etc.) I remembered that one of my shoes had a really sharp heel on it. I opened the car door, got the shoe before entering and held it to his throat from the back seat, I told him "take me home now, if you go any where other than the direction of manhattan you die first". It was all I could do. I haven't been the same since.

I shared that story with you because we all make mistakes, we are all human beings, don't let anything consume you to the point where it becomes anger, hatred, or bitterness towards people or the world. You must forgive, you must start all over again, you let go and let God, you must say thank you for what you DO have, what you never lost, and what you will gain from the experience. That man tried to kill me, essentially he did. He was able to get to me because there was two things I didn't have...God, and a significant other. I was running wild in NYC and it was obvious. I have forgiven him. Today, I have friends again. Today, I have a signigicant other. Today, I can admit my faults. Today I pray without ceasing, today I know that this is my journey back to who I used to be, a work in progress...my journey back to freedom.