Forward March

I come forth today, the strongest I have ever been. Today, I am able to let go of past mistakes.  I am able to forgive myself and others.   I pray for us all.  I pray for those who believe in God, I pray for those who don't. I pray for those who come forth to kill, steal, and destroy.  I pray for those who need help.  I pray for my enemies (though they are unknown to me).  I pray for those whom I have never met. I pray for our planet which is forced to endure the human race.  I pray for the ignorance in us all, because make no mistake about it..we are ignorant.  I say that we are ignorant because no matter how well-read or educated one might be, we still do stupid shit like, not calling your mom, or not recycling, or not paying taxes, or not helping veterans, or the forgotten man, the single mother, or caring about the way a criminal is treated...stupid shit! I pray because strength is needed on the part of us all.

I come forth today, the strongest I have ever been.  There have been times when I thought I had it bad. There have been times when I felt no one loved me.  There have been times when I just wanted to be the center of attention.  There have been times when I would pass judgement on others as a defense mechanism.  Who am I to judge?  How was I unable to love the beautiful creature that God made me?  Whether you believe in God or not, someone or something took their time making you, making you the artist that you are, the writer, the poet, the singer, the dancer, the gym rat, the school teacher, the policeman, the politician, the veteran, the adoptee, the judge, the garbage man, the janitor, the stripper, what ever you are, whomever you are, BE THE BEST! Do not look in the mirror with hatred, anger, or jealousy because you feel you've made so many mistakes that you can never be Jay-Z or Beyonce, Diddy or Oprah, Steve Jobs, Mark Cuban, or Zuckerberg, don't even feel animosity for not being that baller athlete that gets all the chicks or that female who is always in V.I.P.  Who the hell is gonna love you if you do not love you? Who the hell is gonna help you, if you don't get up off your ass and make moves?  Stop worrying about now and think about your future.  Get off that corner selling drugs, it only leads to two places death or prison.  Turn off the T.V. and read a book. Pay your child support.  Let go of your pride and your ego, humble yourself.  THERE IS NO SHAME IN FLIPPING BURGERS. THERE IS NO SHAME IN HAVING ONLY 1 PAIR OF SHOES. THERE IS NO SHAME IN CATCHING THE BUS. THERE IS NO SHAME WHEN YOU ARE DOING WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO TO MAKE A BETTER YOU. THERE IS NO SHAME IN NOT HAVING MONEY ALL THE TIME. 


Today, I come forth stronger than I have ever been.  Too many people worry about the wrong things in life.  Facebook is not a neccessity, it is a tool for those of us with an ego, a business, a way to find a lost loved-ones, friends, even jobs.  But those of us who are unhappy with who they are or are angry about certain things in which they have no control use the social network for ignorance.  For example, why go through your significant others' profile and make yourself angry? How long do think it will be before that person comes to their senses and leave you? "Let that bitch like another one of your photos"...Have you any idea how stupid you sound?  Many of us have a need to feel that we are not any different from anyone else.  Some of us want to be different from others, but at what cost to you within?  Have you the ability to accept who you really are? My point is that many of us are unhappy because of the things we tend to take seriously. You want a new car and you are jealous of the person who has one?  You have no idea what drive and ambition are, but that other person does.  Instead of being angry and not liking them, get on your damn grind. Do what they did (as long as it's legal...LOL!) and you will have all your heart desires. Everybody wants to be famous, no one wants to put in the work.  


I come forth today, stronger than I have ever been.  I LOOOOVVVEEE me. LOL! I love what I do and don't have.  I love my new drive and ambition.  I love that I am not the woman I used to be. I really wasn't a woman yet, I was still a little girl doing stupid shit, worrying about the wrong thing, and I almost lost everything because of it.  Understand, as long as there is breath there is life, there is a chance to better ourselves, forgive ourselves, love ourselves and each other.  Smile.  Say please and thank you. Hold door open for someone else whether you are male or female. Not blaming others for your mistakes is the very first step in becoming an adult.  You can't hate cops for putting your ass in jail, YOU broke the law.  You can't get mad when bill collectors keep calling, DEAL WITH YOUR PROBLEM.  Be an adult.  Someone in the club is upsetting you, be an adult! You're too damn old to be fighting in a club, it only says you still have some growing up to do.  Women, stop hating on each other.  It's okay to tell another woman that she is pretty, that you like her dress, a simple hello and a smile goes a long way.  Stop putting good fathers on child support, there is nothing attractive about a trifling woman.  If and only if that man is doing a good job, leave him alone.  Stop taking the child support money to get your weave done, that money is for the baby.  I digress. 

I come forth stronger than I have ever been.  Take your life into consideration.  Take care of your priorities.  Stop worrying about the club, the newest J's, the newest rap song or video or iphone.  Start worrying about your future, save some money, buy a home, buy a car that is reliable and good on gas, get some insurance for your life and health, stop assuming that all men or women are the same (YOU are still the same in the same place around the same types of people you don't want to be around). Find an outlet, go to the gym, talk to people you like frequently, become a beach bum, do some yoga, but by all means chill out! Stop trying to shoot somebody because you are mad at yourself.   Lastly, PRAY! Get on your knees and pray to whomever your God is.  If you do not have a God, or believe that there is one, then simply do what is right by others, you don't have to believe to be a nice person.


Tempera Mental Art
 

Believing Today, Becoming Tomorrow

Sometimes I think about how "thank you" just isn't enough.  When God puts someone in your life who truly loves you, someone who is truly a friend, or some random act of kindness comes your way, "thank you" just isn't enough.  We often say "Thank you Jesus", if only that were enough!  It is very rare to find a human being who actually has your back.  It is very rare to find someone who actually loves you other than those who are meant to love you (i.e. a family member).  I thank God today for who I am and what I have I am even happy with what I don't have, somethings just aren't necessary.  One thing we must all do, is look at what we do have and not at what we don't.  I may not be rich, but I have things that money can't buy.  The best things in life are free.  I am rich in love, I am rich in spirit, I am rich in health, I am rich in Christ, I am rich!  Admittedly, it took love for me to notice these things.  When someone truly loves you, like God or whom he sends to be your mate, they help you see the brighter side of things.  We all have a habit of being negative sometimes or unable to see past our current predicaments, but often someone else's point of view can really turn that frown into a smile.  We cannot make it alone, and we don't have to.  There are people and places and things put in our paths for the better of our future.  God makes it so!  When you wake up in the morning thank whomever you pray to, if you don't pray that's fine because someone somewhere is praying for you.  Don't just assume that today or anyday is going to be a bad one because that is exactly what it is going to be, especially if you are one who is easily angered or discouraged.  Expect great things, expect to be happy, expect to have friends (real ones), expect love, expect life, expect greatness in yourself!  Stop worrying about what you don't have before God takes away what you do have.  It's an old cliche' "you don't what you've got til it's gone".  Think about that for a minute.  I hate to hear people say I had a bad week.  How bad could it have been? You're alive and well to tell about that bad week.  Could've been worse...could've had your photo on a T-shirt...could've been casting your ashes out to sea...could've ended up in a coma...think about it! It's not that bad.  So you hate your job, at least you have a job.  So the bank is foreclosing on your home, someone will take you in.  You have no friends, there's a wonderful friend in Jesus, Mohammed, God, Allah, Buddha, pick one they're great and offer solace.  You have not because you ask not.  Don't get stuck in a rut, a grasshopper mentality, the "how am I going to figure this out" way of life.  Have faith! Believe in yourself and what you are (whether you believe it or not) fully capable of!  Everyday is a new day, a new beginning, a chance to make things better, a chance to make things right.  Today will be a great day!  I will get angry at the driver on the road, but I won't stay that way.  I will get mad about gas prices and bill collectors, but I won't stay that way.  Life isn't fair, or perfect...thank God it's only some of the time.  Today I will go out with the old and in with the new because I have faith and I am a believer in me!

Believing Today, Becoming Tomorrow,
Tempera Mental Art

FIGHT

Fight for all that you believe in
Fight to move mountains and demons within
Fight for your life
Fight for your love
Fight for your plight
Fight for others' strife

FIGHT!

Fight for Gay men
Fight for Lesbians
Fight for World Peace
Fight for Education
Fight for Equality

FIGHT!

Fight your addiction
Fight your past
Fight your guilt
Fight your adversity
Fight your enemy

FIGHT!

Fight to Love
Fight to Live
Fight to Life
Understand your plight!

FIGHT!

FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE
FIGHT FOR WHAT IS RIGHT
LOVE ONE ANOTHER
FORGIVE ONE ANOTHER
EDUCATE ONE ANOTHER
WIN THE FIGHT!
YOU CAN DO ALL THINGS IF YOU WOULD JUST

FIGHT!
FIGHT!
FIGHT!

God's Speed,
Tempera Mental

It's Okay To Love (Again)

I thought about two guys I used to date and how they have closed their hearts. I thought about it because had I done the same, I would not have the love that I have today. One of them told me his story about 3 years ago, I don't know why I thought about him today. Perhaps he has found love again. There are some baaad women in the world. With the exception of Tyler Perry films, almost everything we see on television even the books we read portray men as these horrific creatures when in relationships. What about the trifling bitches who take advantage of the many good men that are in fact out there? This is the story he told me. He married her 3 weeks after he met her. He moved to Los Angeles for her neglecting the opinions of his friends and family. They were together a year and a half before she started cheating on him. Let me stop here. This particular guy loves hard when he loves, loves as deeply as a woman does, which I now see may have been his downfall. While in California, he worked around the clock was in the studio making music (about her) after that going for his dream. He wanted to make sure that his wife never had to work. He was paying for her education and raising her son. Yes, he was raising another man's child. That deserves applause in itself. He loves that little boy. He loves that little boy so much that his ex wife used this child as leverage to continuously string her ex husband along after the divorce was final. He came home one morning after working the grave yard shift to take his "son" to daycare. He and his son pull into a gas station. The boy says "daddy, that's the man that just left the house". EEK! When I tell you that he did everything for this woman, I mean everything. Whatever a woman could possibly want from a man she had in him. I haven't spoken to him in over a year but I am sure he'd say the same thing he said to me 3 years ago "I did everything I was supposed to do, and it wasn't enough,fuck women". Naturally, I had to stopped dealing with him because I knew it would never go anywhere and afterwhile he made it abundantly clear. But who could blame him? She brought another man (the man she was still with at the time of the story) into their bed, around their son. WRONG! Wrong on so many levels. He went into a state of depression so deep that he was on the brink of suicide, his bestfriend from highschool brought him back to life. God bless her for being a friend. The other one, his story is so bad he hasn't even told his mother. I blog about this today to apologize to the good men out there on behalf of trifling women. I blog about this today to say that I am one of the good ones and that it is okay for you to do everything right by your woman, some of us are worth it. I blog about this today to tell those of you who have experienced the pain of a broken heart. A pain I know all too well. I know that it feels like you have been stabbed directly into your heart but you won't die. I know that it feels like you may actually be capable of committing a crime. I know that it feels like the world is over, that the pain never subsides, that you wish you could snap your fingers and it be over in the blink of an eye. I know! I know all too well. But never give up on love. It is the one thing that is absolutely the best part of life. Never let anyone rob you of your ability to love. Never hold a grudge against that person, forgive them. I know it is easier said than done, but you feel 100 times better. Pick yourself up, love you! No one will love you better than you! Where would I be today if I'd said "fuck love"? Honestly. My beautiful man would be somewhere else, and I'd be increasingly bitter. It takes time to let go of heart ache, but you must let it go. Otherwise you block your blessings. And look at this, God had something better for me all along. What do you think he has for you?

Tempera Mental

The Fear, The Arrogant, and The Wrong Reason

I tried! I absolutely tried not to blog about the arrogant. I mean seriously what the fuck is up with you people? It's not just the arrogant ones either, it's these dip shit, muscle bound idiots who think that people are so supposed to fear them because they bounce in clubs and lift weights. Okay, first of all, weight lifter/meathead/he who thinks he is healthy/bouncer person..YOU ARE THE REASON PEOPLE HAVE GUNS. No one likes a bully, you will get fucked up eventually. I hate to be the one to tell you. I was at work the other night and this dude whose arms are so big he can't even scratch his back decides he wants to video tape one of the exotic dancers on stage. NOT COOL! I tell security and this dude was afraid to say something (in my opinion), but I have seen this same security guard (the one I said something to) wrestling or "play fighting" with some of the dancers. For the record, that is a whole other blog in itself, these assholes who do things to women, but when a man shows up it is a different story. Where was I? Oh, fear. So this big ass dude seems to instill fear in many, but not me for some reason. I believe it is how you do what you do. I went up to him and jokingly said "Kahuna, why are you doing that" he laughed and put his phone away. Anything can be done with a smile. I didn't joke because I was afraid, I joked because you have to do that when dealing with children. He's so arrogant, that he'd take offense and act like a nigga. I don't know how else to say it. Getting back to this arrogance thing. Arrogance is the most unattractive quality I have ever seen in any human being. The worse part is that arrogant people do not realize that they are arrogant, they mistake it as confidence. They are never wrong, the are the best looking, their lives are 100% together, the are better than everyone else, and they always have something to say about other people. Interestingly enough, I have never been around two arrogant people at the same time? I wonder how they act amongst each other? Does it become Clash of the Titans? I use that metaphor because they all feel they are Titans. I have worked with and been around at least 3 people who really feel that they are the epitome of mankind, but when I look at them I see great insecurity. The need to always talk about people in a negative fashion is a person's way of projecting their own deep seated issues onto others. It is their defense mechanism. I have seen 1 particular feel that he is so great at what he does that he (a trumpet play) compares himself to Miles Davis. Time out! What?! Honey I have heard you play, you are good, but far from legendary. The arrogant are a sad people. While I am impressed that their lives are together to some degree, they are still human beings who are less than stellar individuals, I think they know it and I believe it kills them inside. If you'd like to test my theory, find the nearest person whom you feel is arrogant and disagree with something they say.Be prepared however for the onslaught. LOL! I blog about this today becuase, as if there isn't enough shit going on in the world people are becoming less and less humble. If there is a heaven, if there is a resurrection and judgment; what will you say when God says "you are not this, you are not that", "my muscles are bigger than yours". What are you going to do then? We must learn to coexist. I have said this before. Say a kind word to someone, compliment someone, show respect and admiration for someone, lose the ego, lose the desire for power! You don't have to have all the power, true power rests behind the throne. The person in power is the one you rarely see. The person with the biggest muscles is the little guy. Pray to your God for forgiveness, you are going to need it. We all are. We are no different from one another, we have only different experiences. We can all use the same doctors, lawyers, medications, and insurance. We can all eat the same foods, do the same excercises, wear the same clothes. WE CAN COEXIST! We can all choose to not treat each other like complete idiots because we don't all know the same things. We can learn from one another. Why is it so difficult to be good and so easy to be bad? Why do people ask is there a God? I think people look for reasons to raise a few eyebrows. People look for reason to be a non-believer? People always need proof. My question is who the fuck do think you are? Admittedly, I am not a church goer. I do not pray as often as I should. I have questions about the bible, and other religious beliefs, but it doesn't take a genius to know that there is a greater power beyond us. Where was I? OH! We must take our ego's out of the equation. We must let go of envy and jealousy of these worldly possesions that others have. We let go of the need or desire to want to look a certain way in the eyes of others. The focus should be how you feel when you look at yourself in the mirror. If you want to have money, fame, and glory amongst your peers, then you are doing it for the wrong reason. It's okay to shop at payless. LOL! So what your friends shops at Gucci. Guess who is going to have more money in the long run...and trust me there will be a long run. You have to think about your future like the Golddigger. I'm not particularly fond of those bitches, but they think about their futures. That's a fact. But again I say, your wants and desires should not be based on what others think you should have. Set your sights higher, think bigger, and be nice about it. Be nice to people, if you are not a people person, keep it simple speak when spoken to. I really do hope my point is coming across to you all. I'm still on Rodney King "can't we all just get along?"

Tempera Mental

I'm Happy

It is always difficult for me to blog when I am happy and everything seems right. I'm seem to be at my best when I am angry or slightly vexed about something hence the name Temperamental. I can't bring myself to comment on the Trayvon Martin/George Zimmerman travesty, nor can I comment on why men feel like they can tell a woman to "Act like a lady, Think like a man". At any rate, I am simply happy. By the grace of God I have everything I need at this very moment and I'm happy. If I died today, I can say that the only thing I haven't done is have children and a marriage. I have lived, I have laughed, I have loved. The best part is, it isn't over yet. My life is in fact just beginning. I wish the best for everyone. I wish my happiness for those whom I love, people I know and don't know. I want you to be happy and blessed and free spirited. I want you all to learn to love one another, to coexist peacefully, as I do with those around me. It's not as hard as it may seem, or as difficult as many people make it out to be. Of course education is the key, along with limiting the amount of news you watch. They never show anything good, the media makes the world seem to be something that it is not. I remember there was once a newspaper which printed only the good news. They eventually went out of business, people didn't want to know about good news. If that isn't sad, I don't know what is. My point to all of this is, if you can accept that you won't be able to understand everything, stop judging others and stop worrying about how you look in front of other people your world can be a better place. Of course I'm reaching by evening thinking it is possible for us to coexist peacefully, but I am the change I seek so I am happy knowing that it has started somewhere. I digress. I'm happy a shit! LOL! Join me. God speed.

Tempera Mental

Pretention

It is amazing to me the amount of people I have come across who do not know who they are. I have never seen so many people do so much to impress so many people who do not give two shits about them. I know people right now who are in debt just so they can push a benz to places that have celebrity citings on a regular bases. There are people who go broke trying to keep up with The Kardashians. Yes it's no longer The Jones'. The real question is what are they afraid of? What is this need for material that is so important to them? Why if they work someplace less than reputable can't they tell their friends about it? It might then occur to them that they don't have any friends at all. I don't care who does or doesn't like me, because I like me, as a matter fact I looooovvvveeee me! I wouldn't trade being me for anything in the world. I wouldn't trade my 2000 Ford Taurus with her 180,000 miles for a benz and fake friends. I wouldn't trade true love, for some baller who cheats on me and leaves me at home alone crying all the time just so I can be seen in Louboutin's around my fake friends. True wealth doesn't come in the form of a check! True wealth does not come in the form of material things. True wealth is in having a relationship with your God, having a family who truly loves you! Do you know that family doesn't have to be related to you? Family can be your closest friends, how beautiful is that? How beautiful is it to have a complete stranger become someone who you can actually call upon in a time of need? How beautiful is it to have a complete stranger become the person who will bail your ass out of jail, not judge or hold it against you, but uplift you and help you through? My point to all of this is ACCEPT WHO YOU ARE! Now, in an effort to understand these individuals, I will accept the fact that they may very well know who they are and pretentious is in fact who they are, then one day they wake up...old (which is 30 to them). I simply feel that the only people that have to put on airs are famous people, but that is only their job. I love to read tabloid magazines simply because they show famous people behind the scenes. They take off their make-up, they pick-up their dry cleaning, they go to the grocery store, they even walk their dogs...Who knew?! LOL! I understand this is the world we live in, but good grief! All that pretending must weigh heavily on the soul at some point.

Tempera Mental

LOVE (Part II)

I awoke on this beautiful morning wondering if I really wanted to blog on this most special of days. Many who know me will tell you, I love to a fault. I am a true believer that love conquers all. There aren't many people in the world who understand what love truly is or even what love is about. Many of you are under the impression that love can be bought. Many of you use the term love about as loosely as saying hello. Are you someone who feels you know truly what love is? Do you truly understand the one whom you claim to love? Do you make an effort to understand things they have gone through (without judgement)? Do you comprise? Are you self less in your love for that person? Is your relationship one-sided because you're "Queen B", or "The Man"? Do you judge someone else's love as being ridiculous, because they do what is supposed to be done in the name of love? Perhaps you don't want to look weak in front of your boys, or perhaps you need to stop listening to nagging, jealous ass females who are pissed that you are the only woman they know with a good man. By good man I mean one that a woman doesn't have to take care of, one that doesn't have to be told what to do (i.e. opening the car door), one that understands when a woman needs money it's for necessities not the new Gucci bag, one that brings home flowers...just because. This of course works both ways, you need to be a good woman. By good woman I mean shut the fuck up! By good woman I mean cook something, clean the house, let him go out with his boys and have some fucking fun if he wants to! Rub his feet. Let him tell you he'd like a damn three-some, and be confident within yourself to say whether or not you are okay with that. Love him when he is down on his luck, let him know that he is still loved, needed, desired, and that you have got his back and that you are strong for the both of you! That is what I call being his woman. Having said that, I will say this, I have not read Steve Harvey's book Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man. I am embarrassed as a woman that a book like this HAD to be written. It's truly sad that many of you bitches had absolutely no clue until that book came along. It's so sad they are making a movie about it. I digress.

This is by far the hardest blog I have ever had to write. So many of you just don't know what love is. Love is about sharing. Love is about compromise. Love is about honesty, loyalty, commitment. When you fall down, get back up. I know it is easier said than done. I have been there, and for those of you who haven't I pray you never know what it feels like to have to pick yourself back up. If that love was real, there is nothing that can get you out of that hump for some time. When I blog, I blog from experience. I have been hit by a man, I have taken care of a man (and his family), I have been loyal to a fault, I have been the other woman (I'm ashamed to say). When moments in love like these arise, that is the time to remember how much you love yourself. You should always love yourself, but sometimes as human beings do, we forget. :o) Damn, I didn't want to go here on Valentine's Day, but I had to. To share with you all that in spite of all that I have been through, I now have true love. Do I mean it's easy? Of course not, but it's understanding, loving, compromising, honest, extraordinary, peaceful, friendly, loyal, and unconditional. And I deserve it. Realize what you deserve! If you have a good woman, hold on to her. If you have a good man, hold on to him. If you see someone that makes you want to cheat, realize that nothing will ever come of it but heartache and pain, for what a few moments in the sack? It's just not worth it. That's goes doubly for those of you who are married. Take yo ass home to that person, you inconsiderate bastard. LOL!

Tempera Mental


"Because the greatest love of all, is easy to achieve. Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all" ~Whitney Houston (1963-2012)

HELP ONE ANOTHER 2 LOVE ONE ANOTHER

What do you do when you have trouble getting past all of the wrong that has been done to you? What do you do when you can only hope certain things don't happen again, a broken heart, infidelity, or when the bond of trust has been broken for example? What do you do when the heart weighs heavy out of fear? What do you do when you feel less than worthy or as though you aren't living up to your full potential? It's only natural to pray and have faith and believe, which is what I do. Still, I have feelings of guilt over decisions I have made, over things that I have allowed to happen to me, things that I have done. I share with you today because I know that I am not the only one. I simply happen to have the courage to share it with others. I don't have fear in that aspect. I am honest because I am just as human as those of you who pretend you aren't. I suppose people are afraid to show who they really are to the world. Perhaps they don't feel they could withstand the scrutiny of raised eyebrows. I really don't know if I could myself. I do however feel that my honesty and realism set me apart from many. There are many things that can be attributed to our mishaps, misgivings, and/or misunderstandings. We are all so quick to pass judgment on the things we do not understand about one another. This is something we must change, but of course it is easier said than done. My point is, it's okay to be human. It's okay to have feelings. It's okay to feel the way you feel. We all feel the way you feel. We all have things that we missed out on, things we should have, could have, would have had had it not been for someone else's feelings, had it not been for our own bad decisions, had it not been for what our parents did or didn't teach us, parents who weren't there, selfishness and many other incomprehensible things. The beautiful thing is tomorrow is a new day. As long as there is life there is hope. Tomorrow affords us the beautiful luxury of beginning anew. A new you. You can't change the pass, but you can change your future. If you have wronged someone apologize. If you want to kill someone, put down the gun and put up your dukes, live to see another day, respect each other after the fight and let it go! One must give respect, to get respect! There is nothing attractive about arrogance or belittling others to make yourself feel better, to hide who you really are. STOP JUDGING ONE ANOTHER! No, muslims are not all terrorists! Think about it. No where in the Q'uaran do the words Holy and War appear together. Just because someone is gay doesn't mean they are going to hell, God loves all! He is a wonderful God. I digress. It is easier for some of us to let go of things. Try and understand why it is so difficult for many of us who have trouble letting go. Again I say instead of passing judgment HELP ONE ANOTHER, LOVE ONE ANOTHER. I know it's hard. Many of us feel threatened by one another. Beautiful women are sometimes threatened by other beautiful women, it happens. Broke men are threatened by men with means, it happens. The way to cope with that is confidence in the beautiful creature that God made you to be. And just like that you will answer your own questions. Just take a look in the mirror at the beauty that is you, no matter how different. Yours, mine, our difference is a beautiful thing. HELP ONE ANOTHER 2 LOVE ONE ANOTHER!

Tempera Mental Artist

And Then The Phone Rang

On this day 2001 my life changed forever. I was laying in bed with my boyfriend at the time who was telling me the story of his father's murder in the Dominican Republic. The phone rang, it was my mother. The first 5 days of 2001 had been amongst the happiest days of my life I had fallen in love with my friend (which I don't believe was a mistake). I had decided I wanted to become an actor. My father was a great actor who always believed in my talent, not because I was his little girl but because he felt I had actual talent. I used to put on shows for my dad in our living room, always something from an Eddie Murphy film. I love Eddie Murphy still. The phone rang, it was my mother. I can't say that my father was the world's greatest dad, but he was my father. I can't say he didn't have a drug problem, I can't say he was always faithful to my mother, or my sister's mother, or my brother's mother, I can't even say he was a provider, but he was my father! At least he was there for one of us. In 2000 we were just really becoming a family. By becoming a family I mean that I was in Newark, New Jersey with my sister, my brother, my nephew, my father, and my best friend Mikki. My father had to withdraw money from the ATM, he had given us all money, even my best friend saying and I quote "I don't know you, but you get some too". Then the phone rang, it was my mother. My mother and father were together some 25 years. It would have been nice to have my siblings there with me. We all look like we came from my mother any way. LOL! My father went back to Newark to take care of what was left of his side of the family. My paternal side all past within an 11 year time frame. My aunt Jerry, aunt Larry-Ann, my Grandma, Great-Grandma, GrandFather, aunt Sheila, every fucking body died! Then the phone rang. I can't begin to go anymore indepth into this than what I already have, otherwise I won't be able to stop crying. When I spoke to my father on Christmas Eve 2000, he was in great spirits. I told him that I was happy and safe and with my boyfriend. He told me he loved me and I said "I love you to daddy". My boyfriend at the time and I lay in bed; he says "my father was murdered" (his father) and then the phone rang. He answered the phone to what sounded like a crank caller speaking in a language he'd never heard, he hung up the phone. The phone rang again, this time a much clearer though insanely stressed voice screamed out "he's gone"! My boyfriend got up out of the bed facing the wall for a minute. I got up on the other side of the bed and stood facing him. He turned around with tears in his eyes. I knew immediately that someone had died. I said "is it my mother?", he said no. I said "is it my uncle GG"? He said, no. It was the way he said no the second time that shot arrows through my heart. The no was as if he knew he was about to die and didn't want to go. He then said "It's your father". I froze. He dropped the phone and came to hold me. I told him to get away from me. I fell to the floor in that house crying against a wall for about 3 minutes (literally). I then realized I had to pull myself together for my mother's sake. I ran out the door. I did 120 mph getting to my mother. I was 30 minutes away, I was there in less than 15. The love my parents had for each other is that of what you see in fairytales, in movies. I don't know how or why people say love like that is impossible or unreal. It is very real. I have witnessed it. I pulled myself to my feet and got to my mother. If my mother were not a Christian she'd have killed herself just to be with him again. I had to get to my mother. When I arrived at the house I walked in to my mother standing on the landing of the staircase with a joint in one hand and the other on her heart. My doesn't do drugs but she was completely inconsolable. She had to smoke something. Wouldn't you? We have a sister we have never met. Her mother wouldn't even bring her to the funeral. She was about 3 years old when our father died. I wonder if she even knows we exist? I wonder if she knows we are looking for her? I wonder if she knows we all look alike. I don't even know her mothers' last name. I can't keep writing. Just wanted to share with you all. I must go now otherwise I'll cry all day. Thank you for your time.

Tempera Mental

Baby Steps

Now is a time to heal, forgive, forget and let go. There are things that I have held on to for far to long. Like you, I am human. I have feelings and emotional instabilities, skeletons, etc. It's apart of who we are. We all have secrets and that's okay. It's okay to keep apart of you just that; a part of you. I believe that is the problem that many famous people can't cope with; everybody knows everything about them. That can be a head ache for any one. It's equal to giving someone space in a marriage. It's something we all need. Take time just as I have, to seek peace, heal your wounds, forgive those who have wronged you no matter how difficult it may be. Move on. Forget about your past and move towards accepting your beautiful and bright future. Let go, let go, LET IT GO! I had to write that just now, perhaps some one needs it as I no longer do. I have forgiven myself for not understanding that self preservation is the law of life at a time when I needed to know it the most. I have now let it go. Had I not been able to let it go and forgive myself I wouldn't be where I am today, nor as happy. I realize things are easier said than done, hell there are in fact things I'm still having trouble coping with, I say again that's okay. Baby steps are okay! Babies eventually take off running. So take all the time you need just make sure that that time leads to stability, sanity, faith, belief, preservation, confidence, strength, courage, and wisdom. To err is human, to forgive is devine. Let go and let God!

Tempera Mental

NOT JUST ANOTHER NEW YEAR!

Today I have accepted the fact that God has offered me a new beginning. New beginnings are not something that come often. Just so we are clear I said God has offered me a new beginning, not a new year. A new year is just that. A new beginning is a new life! Today I am happier than I have ever been, simply because of my faith in God. I have been blessed with the opportunity to start with a new job, a new school (and major), a new city, a man who loves me, a new apartment, even a new gym membership! I didn't realize it until yesterday. I realized I am not afraid of change any more. I realized I deserve this! And so do many of you. It's okay to go away from what you are accustomed to or what you think is "cool". One thing I noticed when I went away on military duty was that when I returned, the same people were there doing the same things. There is nothing cool about that. The party will always be there, the haters will always be there, the same headaches will always be there unless you accept the opportunities that God is trying to give you. Accept the new beginning that God is offering you and stop worrying about the people you arent going to see, the money you may not make, the partying you may not be able to do because in the long run..all you have is you! No one is going to love you better than you, take care of you better than you, do more for you than you can do for yourself. It's always surprising to me the things that many of us just cant let go of. The only thing I won't change is my friends. Those who actually have been a friend to me, not the haters who are only my friend when necessary. But those who's shoulder I can and have cried on, those who have presented themselves as worthy of the title of friend. A friend doesn't hate on you, turn on you, get jealous of you, try and have power over you or laugh at you. A friend supports you. A friend doesn't get angry or envious when someone else wants your attention (i.e. a potential significant other). A friend doesn't hesitate when you need help. A friend uplifts you, supports you and let's you know when you are wrong. I am greatful to have a few, and I mean few of those. So, I'll say again for me this is a new beginning, not just a new year. And if you are considering this simply a New Year then you may want to reevaluate where you want to be in life and what is important to you. Make a plan for your future, like I did because we aren't going to be young forever. Have a new beginning not just a another new year.

Tempera Mental